THE UGLY PIT

I've kinda got myself back in the pit again lately. Oh, how I hate the pit. The place that I have been at many times before but I told myself I am never going to go back there again... I am in that place OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. So when is the day that I will learn from my mistakes and my past and completely finish this journey through the wilderness? Will that day be soon? The feeling and the pain of my bad choices should have been done and over with a long time ago. Even though it's not good that I have been making bad choices and I have lost my focus. God is dealing with me about that but I believe God will use this pain and this season for His good.

To remember where I was last year, and then the year before, alot has changed and I have learned alot. I lost focus of God, the more I realized how screwed up I am. That's a good thing in a way that I realized that I am nothing without God and I desperately need His help in EVERY aspect of my life. But sometimes when I get the realization that I am just totally screwed up, it can bring me down when I lose my focus on God, and it starts that self-hate cycle that I’m trying to overcome.

I just want to enjoy life and the journey. But I have to go through this season first. God's not going to let me give up and He's not going to take the hard things away in life that I have to deal with. I just have to stay super focused and keep my eyes on God and go through.

The most important lesson that I learned through this journey is that my strength is directly connected to my relationship with God. If I lose my focus and stop seeking Him, I lose my strength. The times that I lost that focus, I choose to sin and make wrong decisions. Another lesson that I learned is seeking things will never make you happy. Only the joy of the Lord will make us happy. How many times have I been tempted by my flesh telling me that if you get that certain thing/person, it will make me satisfied, happy, content, etc..... Never happens.

I'm tired of being a screwed up mess. I know that I need to give my mess to God and let Him fight my battles for me. Just why is that so hard for my prideful self to do? Or, after I let the Lord fight a battle for me, I slowly take it back because now I think I can handle it on my own. It's like, ok thanks God, but now I can take care of it from here... And then I get myself back into the same hole that I came from. And that same hole is where I’m at now...I give up God… I give up handling things on my own! Please take control God!